One Beautiful Deer
...bringing out the light from deep within!
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
OUT OF THE SHELL AND BE A LIGHT!
Monday, July 4, 2016
Been A While....
I tried to blog since the beginning of Ramadan, but apparently Allah didn't will it. I keep writing. Journaling though. I keep reflecting on life and actions. Trying to be a truly good person. And I keep wondering how the little we do today affect our tomorrow. In the end, the question is: "Is Allah pleased with me?".
Life and it's journey. It ends one day. But before then is a series of stage to stage. I am a simple hearted girl. As much as I am growing everyday, I still feel like a girl. The girl who is already in the womanhood realm yet finds it odd to fully accept that she is a woman now. Yea it's funny how we grow. But yes life goes on. We move from stage to stage. I wonder what kind of a woman I'm going to be.
It's been a while since I sat by myself and just smile and reminisce about my life. It's been a while since I had fun just by myself. I've been busy with my mind preoccupied over màny other things. I am just me. Hoping to be loved by Allah. People say I am delicate and fragile. While they may not be wrong, I still marvel at how Allah keeps me strong with a strong will. While I feel far from the world, I know my Lord is with me.
To be a noble woman has always been my dream. But heck, nobility is not easy. I still keep wondering about what kind of legacy I'm gonna leave behind after I'm gone. And what benefits others enjoy through me long after I'm gone. Have I been doing all I really need to do to achieve my dream? Perhaps life's going so fast and it's hard to catch up. But the little I can, I'm trying.
In case you are wondering what I'm talking about and why I sound strange (if you think I do). Yea this is Khawlah. Always reflecting about the wholeness of life...
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
GIVE ME MORE, LORD!
Thursday, April 14, 2016
WAITING
So most of the time, our request won't be granted to us immediately, right on the spot. Probably Allah wants us to wait a little bit more, or ask a little bit more, or strive towards it a little bit more, or take our minds completely off it while we focus on more important things in our lives. Whatever the reason for this delay may be, the waiting period is always the most beneficial for us. It is a period of utter grooming and preparation for what is to come which you aren't aware of. A period of testing your faith in the One you are asking from (HIM). A period of practising resilience, being back to your real faithful self after the pain and difficulties encountered.
It is that period when you pray and pray as hard as you can for your desires, so you keep waiting and waiting for an answer from Him. For acceptance. You wait for a long time, yet nothing. The tension is killing. Thoughts - crazy thoughts - racing through your little mind about why you are not getting any answer, any acceptance. It then comes to a time when your mind feels blank, hope feels far and your body so weak in utter Surrender that perhaps it would not be. Perhaps this is your fate and it has been sealed. Perhaps you can never get acceptance to that dua that you made. In that moment, you fall into despair of Allah's mercy. Remember, none despairs in the mercy of Allah except those who disbelieve.
It's been taught to us time and time again that this is a test, and Allah can grant our wish in a blink of an eye or less. Yet He chooses not to. Because He wants to test our faith, our resilience, our full trust in Him. Of course we have read and heard this over again that it's become cliché in our ears. But you must remember that nothing can free your heart other than the knowledge that:
- All things belong to Allah, we own nothing.
- It's all the delights of this world.
- He wants us to take everything away from our hearts and face only Him.
- He wants us to achieve something better in our lives before the pleasure of what we are asking for.
- He wants us to learn how to trust Him.
And so much more..
Falling Into Place...
Sometimes when it seems like things are falling apart and nothing seems right or makes sense anymore. The little you have left is crumbling all over. In reality, they may actually be falling into place. Perhaps there were a lot of things wrong with something, and He decides to crumble it all down. So that He can rebuild it for us again and it becomes something way better than what we lost. No wonder why it's amazing how what you thought was lost actually comes back to you, even in a much better way/state. Allah is the One Who will never let us down. And He needs nothing from us. Believe in Him and trust Him.
It's Painful!
Yes waiting is painful. Having patience is painful. Keeping faith is painful. But trust that whatever you are going through presently is actually what you NEED. Whereever you are at is exactly where you need to be. Just as the struggles of a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon on its own is exactly what it needs to aid its flight, our struggles, prayers and pains are exactly what we need to be strengthened before Allah grants our wishes. Perhaps we'd need this strength once our request has been granted. This waiting doesn't mean He hates us or has abandoned us, it's a sign of His deep love for us. He loves us enough to toughen us and strengthen our resistance to certain things in life, and our resilience to trust in Him and feel okay in spite of everything. Yes waiting hurts but perhaps having what you are praying for right now would hurt worse. He has your life all planned out. While it may not be so comfortable or delightful, this is exactly what you need at this point of your life. Because you have a bigger destiny than just the vain pleasures of this world. He only wants a happy Ending for you. So trust Him. He has heard your cry. And He will never let you return your raised hands to yourself without answering you.
This waiting will be worth it!
One thing I have always observed about waiting is that what you are asking for and expecting is actually only getting better. It's like Allah is holding it back from you in order to perfect it for you and when your mind is off it, He gives it to you pwooah! It's like a surprise package heheh. While holding on and being patient in not giving up is difficult, know deep down in your heart, that this waiting would be worth it. Let this be enough to make you smile. Yes it's scary! Damn frightening! Because a lot of thoughts keep coming to your mind especially from the accursed Shaitan and you try so hard to shut them off. Once again, just assure yourself and believe confidently that this waiting will be worth it. Because you believe in Allah, and you truly and sincerely know Him. So no silly waswas of Shaitan will break you down. Believe me, this waiting will be worth it. So don't be upset or fall into despair when you pray to Allah and nothing happens instantaneously. It was never meant to be magic. That's why it's called du'a (invocation). And He will answer you. If you believe in Allah, wallahi in the end, you will smile...
"And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad SAW) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright." (Surah AlBaqarah 2:186)
"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!" (AlBaqara 2:214)
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
MY LIFE, MY DESTINY
There are so many amazing and great people who have lived and gone. They died, but left undying legacies behind. Even long after their death, they are still remembered for the good (righteous) works they have done, and the countless lives they have touched. In my today, I still see them scattered about doing the same thing. Beautiful people living quality lives of Truth, doing great & noble things with their lives. Touching hearts, inspiring souls, towards Allah, towards fulfillment, towards betterment. They live quality lives. And make beautiful impacts in lives. Only for Allah. And they are being deeply appreciated by those who encounter them. I see them. I love them. I wanna live such quality life too. This leads me to constantly ask myself:
- What legacy do I wanna leave behind after my death?
- Would I have maximized all the gifts Allah has bestowed on me, using them in several ways that pleases Him?
- What would I be remembered for?
- How many souls would be making heartfelt duas for me long after I am gone?
- What difference do I wanna make in the lives of those who encounter me?
- How will my Ending be?
So many questions prickling my little mind. The task seems enormous.
There seems to be so much in my head that I wanna do/achieve, yet I don't even know how to make it into reality. It's like I'm stuck in my complacency, stuck in ignominy, yet don't know how to come out. My life - I know I was created for something noble. I know I am gifted and very blessed. I know the world needs certain things I'm proficient at. I know I could make an impact in any little way I can. But I'm stuck.
I know that the purpose of creation is none other than to worship Allah. Hence that is the sole purpose of my existence. Our existence. And I've been trying my best in that regard. But then, we are all gifted, aren't we? So am I. I know there is a great destiny ahead of me. I know there is a whole lot I could achieve, a whole lot I could do, a whole lot I could be. Yes but I'm stuck. And I dunno how to come out. They say I am brilliant. She said I will shine. But I dunno how to rise. Like a part of me is stuck in oblivion and I fear I may forever be like that till I die. Yet I know that I have to rise. I have to share my blessings. I have to reach out and come out. I have to do something. Anything. Anything to reveal my essence, my core. To lead me to that great destiny.
And what destiny am I talking about? Fame? Fortune? Glory of the dunya? I think nothing about all of that. I feel something tremendous deep within me. A cry waiting to be heard. A strength waiting to be felt. A story waiting to be told. A strong voice waiting to speak. It's like a beautiful giant waiting to unleash. I cannot explain it. It's deep within me. This destiny - it's not about the fame, name or fortune...worldly glories. It's about my essence - what I am meant to be. Fulfiling the purpose for the blessings I've been given. Knowing deep within me that I am doing/living what I was created for. I am living for Allah and making the best use of all He has bestowed on me. Knowing that when it's time to return to Him, all I'd feel is PEACE. Because I lived that life. I fulfilled my mission, my destiny. I did noble things with my life. I lived for Him and only Him in every way. But right now, I know I have not maximized my deepest potentials. I know there is a lot to be done. I calculate all in my head. But I'm lost. I dunno how to come out. It's serious hardwork.
I've lived almost all my life being unknown. Like invisible. And I've been far away from the world. Yet this isn't about anyone knowing me, is it? It's about me living the very core truth about why I was made.
I keep having this fear within me. What if death comes for me before I even get the chance to do anything? Scary! I know I keep wasting time. But little steps everyday. Sincerely I dont know what is to come tomorrow. Of course no one knows. Yet my life, it's for Allah. Only Allah. That's how the life of a Muslim should be. Guess I should keep taking my little steps everyday, knowing I did something better than yesterday. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. But I pray to return to my Lord with deep tranquility in my heart and a peaceful smile on my face. That's my goal. So remembering this, I'll do whatever I can. It's not gonna happen overnight. Slowly. Slowly. I will reach my dream. I pray He never take my soul before then.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
ABOUT THIS BLOG
So why deer?
It's deer because it's the meaning of my name. Khawlah means "female deer". I remember back in my teenage days, I used to hate my name lool. Because I just couldn't find its meaning. It's a very rare name among female Muslims and I just couldn't get it. Even my parents dont know the meaning or the correct pronounciation especially back then. They named me only after my grandma. People laughed at me for my name and teased me calling it an old woman's name. It wasn't pronounced or spelt correctly as this because it was a very rare name and not many people knew about it. Annoying when my name was mis-pronounced and worst of all was when I couldn't find a meaning for it. But when I grew much older, I googled the meaning of khawlah and found in several places that it means " female deer”. 'Hmm how strange!' I thought. I wondered how a human could bear the name of an animal. Kinda absurd right? Yea I see it on people's faces whenever I tell them the meaning now.
Anyways, I began to wonder what's so special about deers. I mean it has to be really special before a human being could be named after a deer. And believe me, the moment I learnt about deers, I fell in love with my name. I fell in love with deers. So the more information i discovered about them, the more similarities I found between myself and them. Deers are really beautiful creatures. But their beauty is not one so flashy and colorful like other attractive animals, yet you will feel their beauty oozing from deep within. I have heard a lot of people gushing so hard about the amazing beauty of deers: their graceful and beautiful countenance, their ravenous drive for peace, purpose and spirituality, their sharp senses to notice, hear and observe things, their small heads and thin legs heehe, their fast and swift nature, their inquisitiveness, their friendliness, their living so far away in the thick of the forest rather than among the common animals, their love and quest for adventure, their bravery, their rarity etc. So many attributes so beautiful that I could connect with. I once read a quote that says: "In a race between lion and deer, many times the deer wins, because lion runs for food and deer for life. Purpose is more important than need". Although I do not know the truthfulness of this, but it only showed me more about the amazingness of deers. All of these made me realize that I have such a beautiful name.
Then reading about the stories of the Sahabiyyats (female companions) who bore that name: Khawlah bint Al-Azwar (first female Muslim warrior or Knight), Khawlah bint Ta'alabah (the one whom Allah 'listened' to and went in the Qur'an), Khawlah bint Hakeem, etc. They were all great women in the Islamic history. They were brave and strong, yet so feminine. They were Khawlah heehe. And for that, I feel extremely honored to bear the name" Khawlah". So I know I am beautiful. And I wanna be truly deeply beautiful. And I love 'beautiful'. Hence, ONE BEAUTIFUL DEER!!!!!!!!!!
So what's the purpose of "One Beautiful Deer"?
Am I trying to make a name for myself too? Or be the one on the mission to 'inspire' others all the time, like 'operation-save-the-world'? Or am I just trying to show off my writing skills and trying to be like those amazing inspiring Muslimah writers? Or I'm trying to let out my own voice too because everybody seems to wanna talk about themselves and say something all the time???? Well, my simple answer to all these is a BIG NO!
I am just a simple and ordinary individual. Very introverted! I most probably will never tell you anything about myself unless you ask and I see a genuine interest in you to know. Only then do I open up. It's not because I like to be secretive, but rather I don't feel very comfortable talking about myself. Imagine talking it all to someone who doesn't really care to know anyway. And I do more of listening in my conversations. But if there is anyone who really wanna know, they would ask. Like sincerely ask loool. That's just me! So I've been like this all my life.
I have thoughts, dreams just like everyone else. Deep, strong, intense at times, that only until I get a pen and a blank sheet before I can be able to sort it all out. Through writing (basically journalling), I am able to sort out my emotions, ask myself deep questions, tackle my problems and be able to forge ahead with my life. With writing, I discover myself the more and reflect on many issues and then I get my PEACE. Peace and so much more, is what I get from writing.
So with One Beautiful Deer, I hope to share my deepest human thoughts and reflections that keep me going through life. As you can already imply by the name, it is a very personal blog revealing my personal expression. Letting you know what's in the deepest core of ME because I truly barely talk about myself. This blog is an avenue for me to connect with my true self, be real, be imperfect, be human, feel, heal and grow. Perhaps there may be someone out there just like me, who may find some little inspiration or light to forge ahead in their life. Who knows?
Also, and most importantly, I'd love to meet my Lord on Judgement Day with good deeds that I wouldn't think I did, and my Lord saying that they were the products of the good words I spoke to people and how I energised them to be better. Of course this is only a dream right now. But I pray it comes true.
I am a passionate follower of the Sunnah, striving to adhere to the manhaj of the salaf to the best of my little ability. I do NOT intend to raise my voice above the scholars. Nor do I encourage people to stop seeking Deeni knowledge due to being carried away by inspirational writings. We are for one another. Yea we are all weak and seriously struggling with something. So there is nothing bad in being a little light for another, right??????
Okayyyyy! That's all about Beautiful Deer for now!!! More to come in shaa Allah. May Allah save us from the evils of our tongues and thoughts. Allahu musta'aan! And may He be pleased with us. Ameen!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
STRIVING FOR ...
Sometimes, you wanna do something. You really wanna do it. But suddenly the zeal just saps away and you just feel like throwing it all aside. Saying to yourself that this was probably not gonna work out anyway. Woah! You see others out there doing something similar but in an awesomely excellent way and you're like "No way, I could never be as good as this!". I ask you: " Really? "
"On that Day man will be informed of what he sent forward (of his evil or good deeds), and what he left behind (of his good or evil traditions)." (Surah AlQiyama 75:13)
"Every person is a pledge for what he has earned" (Surah Al-Muddaththir 74:38)
"And that man shall have nothing but what he strives for-" ( Surah An-Najm, 53: 39)
Death awakens us from our slumber and jerks us back into reality. The End - my End - is something I never stop thinking about. Once our soul is ripped out and we are gone, nothing else is going to matter except our deeds - what we strived for. The time when we would reap the fruits of what we were truly labouring for. So I wonder to myself: "WHAT HAVE I BEEN STRIVING FOR?"