MY LIFE, MY DESTINY

For a long time now, I've been thinking...pondering over this thing called "Purpose". It seems to be all I think about. It stays in my head all day long. It's the same thing I keep thinking about. I've been thinking a lot about my life just like virtually every other. Ruminating what I was created to be, what I am meant to do, what lies ahead for me, what great thing I'm gonna live my life upon and die upon, what battle I will fight until my last breath, how I'm gonna benefit others tremendously from the gifts that Allah has bestowed on me. My life. My destiny. My fate. My legacy. My footprints. My Ending. My return to Allah. I keep thinking about it all.

There are so many amazing and great people who have lived and gone. They died, but left undying legacies behind. Even long after their death, they are still remembered for the good (righteous) works they have done, and the countless lives they have touched. In my today, I still see them scattered about doing the same thing. Beautiful people living quality lives of Truth, doing great & noble things with their lives. Touching hearts, inspiring souls, towards Allah, towards fulfillment, towards betterment. They live quality lives. And make beautiful impacts in lives. Only for Allah. And they are being deeply appreciated by those who encounter them. I see them. I love them. I wanna live such quality life too. This leads me to constantly ask myself:

- What legacy do I wanna leave behind after my death?
- Would I have maximized all the gifts Allah has bestowed on me, using them in several ways that pleases Him?
- What would I be remembered for?
- How many souls would be making heartfelt duas for me long after I am gone?
- What difference do I wanna make in the lives of those who encounter me?
- How will my Ending be?

So many questions prickling my little mind. The task seems enormous.
There seems to be so much in my head that I wanna do/achieve, yet I don't even know how to make it into reality. It's like I'm stuck in my complacency, stuck in ignominy, yet don't know how to come out. My life - I know I was created for something noble. I know I am gifted and very blessed. I know the world needs certain things I'm proficient at. I know I could make an impact in any little way I can. But I'm stuck. 

I know that the purpose of creation is none other than to worship Allah. Hence that is the sole purpose of my existence. Our existence. And I've been trying my best in that regard. But then, we are all gifted, aren't we? So am I. I know there is a great destiny ahead of me. I know there is a whole lot I could achieve, a whole lot I could do, a whole lot I could be. Yes but I'm stuck. And I dunno how to come out. They say I am brilliant. She said I will shine. But I dunno how to rise. Like a part of me is stuck in oblivion and I fear I may forever be like that till I die. Yet I know that I have to rise. I have to share my blessings. I have to reach out and come out. I have to do something. Anything. Anything to reveal my essence, my core. To lead me to that great destiny.

And what destiny am I talking about? Fame? Fortune? Glory of the dunya? I think nothing about all of that. I feel something tremendous deep within me. A cry waiting to be heard. A strength waiting to be felt. A story waiting to be told. A strong voice waiting to speak. It's like a beautiful giant waiting to unleash. I cannot explain it. It's deep within me. This destiny - it's not about the fame, name or fortune...worldly glories. It's about my essence - what I am meant to be. Fulfiling the purpose for the blessings I've been given. Knowing deep within me that I am doing/living what I was created for. I am living for Allah and making the best use of all He has bestowed on me. Knowing that when it's time to return to Him, all I'd feel is PEACE. Because I lived that life. I fulfilled my mission, my destiny. I did noble things with my life. I lived for Him and only Him in every way. But right now, I know I have not maximized my deepest potentials. I know there is a lot to be done. I calculate all in my head. But I'm lost. I dunno how to come out. It's serious hardwork.

I've lived almost all my life being unknown. Like invisible. And I've been far away from the world. Yet this isn't about anyone knowing me, is it? It's about me living the very core truth about why I was made.

I keep having this fear within me. What if death comes for me before I even get the chance to do anything? Scary! I know I keep wasting time. But little steps everyday. Sincerely I dont know what is to come tomorrow. Of course no one knows. Yet my life, it's for Allah. Only Allah. That's how the life of a Muslim should be. Guess I should keep taking my little steps everyday, knowing I did something better than yesterday. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. But I pray to return to my Lord with deep tranquility in my heart and a peaceful smile on my face. That's my goal. So remembering this, I'll do whatever I can. It's not gonna happen overnight. Slowly. Slowly. I will reach my dream. I pray He never take my soul before then.

ABOUT THIS BLOG

For a while now, I have been asking myself about this blog and what I intend to achieve with it. Well, as the name (One Beautiful Deer) implies, I am an individualistic and simple-going person. It's not a big thing or something extraordinary. It is a personal thing - a personal blog. Directed to whoever cares to know me, my thinking, my deepest ambitions, my life. To whoever is similar to me in personality and struggles and experiences and goals, perhaps you'll connect with my writings.

So why deer?
It's deer because it's the meaning of my name. Khawlah means "female deer". I remember back in my teenage days, I used to hate my name lool. Because I just couldn't find its meaning. It's a very rare name among female Muslims and I just couldn't get it. Even my parents dont know the meaning or the correct pronounciation especially back then. They named me only after my grandma. People laughed at me for my name and teased me calling it an old woman's name. It wasn't pronounced or spelt correctly as this because it was a very rare name and not many people knew about it. Annoying when my name was mis-pronounced and worst of all was when I couldn't find a meaning for it. But when I grew much older, I googled the meaning of khawlah and found in several places that it means " female deer”. 'Hmm how strange!' I thought. I wondered how a human could bear the name of an animal. Kinda absurd right? Yea I see it on people's faces whenever I tell them the meaning now.

Anyways, I began to wonder what's so special about deers. I mean it has to be really special before a human being could be named after a deer. And believe me, the moment I learnt about deers, I fell in love with my name. I fell in love with deers. So the more information i discovered about them, the more similarities I found between myself and them. Deers are really beautiful creatures. But their beauty is not one so flashy and colorful like other attractive animals, yet you will feel their beauty oozing from deep within. I have heard a lot of people gushing so hard about the amazing beauty of deers: their graceful and beautiful countenance, their ravenous drive for peace, purpose and spirituality, their sharp senses to notice, hear and observe things, their small heads and thin legs heehe, their fast and swift nature, their inquisitiveness, their friendliness, their living so far away in the thick of the forest rather than among the common animals, their love and quest for adventure, their bravery, their rarity etc. So many attributes so beautiful that I could connect with. I once read a quote that says: "In a race between lion and deer, many times the deer wins, because lion runs for food and deer for life. Purpose is more important than need". Although I do not know the truthfulness of this, but it only showed me more about the amazingness of deers. All of these made me realize that I have such a beautiful name.

Then reading about the stories of the Sahabiyyats (female companions) who bore that name: Khawlah bint Al-Azwar (first female Muslim warrior or Knight), Khawlah bint Ta'alabah (the one whom Allah 'listened' to and went in the Qur'an), Khawlah bint Hakeem, etc. They were all great women in the Islamic history. They were brave and strong, yet so feminine. They were Khawlah heehe. And for that, I feel extremely honored to bear the name" Khawlah". So I know I am beautiful. And I wanna be truly deeply beautiful. And I love 'beautiful'. Hence, ONE BEAUTIFUL DEER!!!!!!!!!! 

So what's the purpose of "One Beautiful Deer"?
Am I trying to make a name for myself too? Or be the one on the mission to 'inspire' others all the time, like 'operation-save-the-world'? Or am I just trying to show off my writing skills and trying to be like those amazing inspiring Muslimah writers? Or I'm trying to let out my own voice too because everybody seems to wanna talk about themselves and say something all the time???? Well, my simple answer to all these is a BIG NO!

I am just a simple and ordinary individual. Very introverted! I most probably will never tell you anything about myself unless you ask and I see a genuine interest in you to know. Only then do I open up. It's not because I like to be secretive, but rather I don't feel very comfortable talking about myself. Imagine talking it all to someone who doesn't really care to know anyway. And I do more of listening in my conversations. But if there is anyone who really wanna know, they would ask. Like sincerely ask loool. That's just me! So I've been like this all my life.

I have thoughts, dreams just like everyone else. Deep, strong, intense at times, that only until I get a pen and a blank sheet before I can be able to sort it all out. Through writing (basically journalling), I am able to sort out my emotions, ask myself deep questions, tackle my problems and be able to forge ahead with my life. With writing, I discover myself the more and reflect on many issues and then I get my PEACE. Peace and so much more, is what I get from writing.

 So with One Beautiful Deer, I hope to share my deepest human thoughts and reflections that keep me going through life. As you can already imply by the name, it is a very personal blog revealing my personal expression. Letting you know what's in the deepest core of ME because I truly barely talk about myself. This blog is an avenue for me to connect with my true self, be real, be imperfect, be human, feel, heal and grow. Perhaps there may be someone out there just like me, who may find some little inspiration or light to forge ahead in their life. Who knows?

Also, and most importantly, I'd love to meet my Lord on Judgement Day with good deeds that I wouldn't think I did, and my Lord saying that they were the products of the good words I spoke to people and how I energised them to be better. Of course this is only a dream right now. But I pray it comes true.

I am a passionate follower of the Sunnah, striving to adhere to the manhaj of the salaf to the best of my little ability. I do NOT intend to raise my voice above the scholars. Nor do I encourage people to stop seeking Deeni knowledge due to being carried away by inspirational writings. We are for one another. Yea we are all weak and seriously struggling with something. So there is nothing bad in being a little light for another, right??????

Okayyyyy! That's all about Beautiful Deer for now!!! More to come in shaa Allah. May Allah save us from the evils of our tongues and thoughts. Allahu musta'aan! And may He be pleased with us. Ameen!

 

WHO AM I?----The Search For Self

"Who am I?" - a question that virtually everyone asks themselves on regular basis. Sometimes the constant changes of events that happen in our lives make us forget ourselves after we had tried to define who we are. Things happen so fast and you suddenly can't find or feel yourself anymore. Life feels monotonous and there is no zeal to do anything.These times, you find yourself trapped and alone, living only like a walking corpse. But later on something happens and you try to reflect deeply, reconnecting with your number one source of strength and you begin to remember your core identity and purpose. Then suddenly you feel alive again, and life feels meaningful again. But until you realize your purpose and find the strength to live it, life will always be meaningless and you will become one of the zombies or robots in life. Aimless!

I constantly wonder about who I am and what my purpose is. Of course generally we are all created to serve Allah, but through what will I serve Him? I realize of course, it is through nothing but what He has given to me. I look at the big world around me. I see people like me doing extraordinary things everyday with their lives. Making great impacts in the lives of others, making it big. Then I look into my own self and feel nothing but smallness and inadequacies. Why does it always seem like everyone else is better that me?


Comparing myself and my life with others is something I have always done way back since I ever knew my name, but of course everyone knows that this is the number one key to failure and depression. It hinders growth and self confidence. Naturally I am someone who has great insights towards the beauty in others. I so easily spot the good and amazing traits in people that I just naturally love them for it. But simultaneously, in the course of doing that with others, I find myself belittling myself and seeing more reasons why I am lesser than them. So the more I appreciate the beauty in others, the more I condemn my own self and become negative and critical of myself. So its like me feeling inadequate and seeing myself worth less/nothing of anyone's while, simply because I am not like them or I haven't achieved as much as them. Of course, we all know that this will only bring me an unhappy life. I am sure there are so many out there like me. So I am writing to us all as we all agree that this is the leading factor contributing to depression and lesser/no productivity in life.

Since it is a fact that we can only serve Allah through what he has given us or bestowed on us through this journey of life, then how can we succeed if we constantly compare ourselves with others? Allah gave them what they have as they have their own journey to travel, just as He has given you what you have necessary for your own journey too. The events happening in our lives are different, so we are all gifted differently. So why would you judge your self worth based on other people's lives or gifts?

Also, everyone being gifted differently implies that we will all give account of how we used our gifts/blessings. Did you use yours in a way that pleases Him or not? Did you recognise and accept these gifts or you denied and rejected? Do you not know that there is a purpose for what He has given you just as there is purpose for what He gave others? So why waste your precious gifts/blessings in the process of gazing at others'? The best way to find happiness and peace is to look within yourself and tap into your deepest core to discover the treasures in you, hidden and apparent. Everything you've got even if it seems not much is SOMETHING. And they are exactly what you need at this point of your journey. So why not make the best use of your own gifts? Because in the ultimate end, you will account for how you spent all that's been bestowed on you. Will you by then be happy to have wasted it all while you thought they were worthless because you were busy long-throating for others'? Will that really buy you eternal success? Of course not!

So basically, look into your own self, and recognise all you have been blessed with. This is how you will be able to figure out who you really are and the many things that uniquely differentiate you from others. You'll know that others may be as amazing as they are, but it doesn't mean you aren't special too. It doesn't mean you have no purpose too. In fact you'll realize even more that this life really isn't a competition. You have no interest in competing with others or trying to be better than them. You are only interested in living your truest purpose and being better everyday in attaining it. So your life is centred around purpose and fulfilment, truthfulness in being your real self, rather than in trying to compete, impress or brag about piled up glittering riches to people. ITS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR JOURNEY! Its about your self actualization! Be you!


I wrote down a short reflection months ago, and it truly helps me and reminds me how its such a waste of time comparing myself with others. And it reminds me of the refreshing feeling I get whenever I stop focusing on others and their attractive lives, and instead focus on my own self, my journey, my betterment, my peace, my fulfilment, my potentials. It really is refreshing, wallahi!

When you stop following the shadows of others, you'll be able to breathe in the freshness of your own life again, walk your own path, discover your own happiness, and free yourself to soar into the highest horizons. Be you!

So this brings me back to the question- "who am I?". Only when we stop following other people's shadows will we truly be able to answer this question of who we really are. This I try to always remember.