OUT OF THE SHELL AND BE A LIGHT!

I have always been a 'buried-within-myself' kind of person. I realize that while it is natural to be emotional, I am often hyperemotional. I focus too much on my emotions. My feelings. I feel this. I feel that. But seriously happiness in life goes beyond just 'feelings'. Being overly centred on your own feelings and self blinds you from noticing others' feelings and struggles too. When I focus too much on the comfort of my feelings,  I forget that others have needs too. A need for help whatsoever. But my self-absorption sinks me into a pit of loneliness (even amongst people) and unfulfilment. I realize that happiness isn't really about what others do for you and how comfortable you are. True happiness comes when you come out of yourself, perhaps your shell, to be able to see the world around you, in a whole new light, and extend a helping hand in anyway you can. Chances are, you'll find more than what you've been looking for. It's not about waiting on others hand and foot. It's about extending yourself beyond your shell to contribute to a better world. Of course doing this with a sincere intention to please your Lord, makes it more than worthwhile. Be yourself. Don't take on more than you can do. But be of help to the world around you. Be a light.

 

Been A While....

Been a while since I came here. I've been like a vanishing one most of the time. I feel great but i m trying to catch up with the fast pace of life. Ramadan came and I was ready to make the best of it, enthusiasm to be better. To attain piety, just as the month is meant for. Now the blessed month is saying bye-bye, yet I wonder how much I have changed. Of course some things have improved in me, but I can't really say I've become a whole new person. I just hope that those little ibaadat are accepted and He includes me and you among the righteous and successful ones. Ameen!

I tried to blog since the beginning of Ramadan, but apparently Allah didn't will it. I keep writing. Journaling though. I keep reflecting on life and actions. Trying to be a truly good person. And I keep wondering how the little we do today affect our tomorrow. In the end, the question is: "Is Allah pleased with me?".

Life and it's journey. It ends one day. But before then is a series of stage to stage. I am a simple hearted girl. As much as I am growing everyday, I still feel like a girl. The girl who is already in the womanhood realm yet finds it odd to fully accept that she is a woman now. Yea it's funny how we grow. But yes life goes on. We move from stage to stage. I wonder what kind of a woman I'm going to be. 

It's been a while since I sat by myself and just smile and reminisce about my life. It's been a while since I had fun just by myself. I've been busy with my mind preoccupied over màny other things. I am just me. Hoping to be loved by Allah. People say I am delicate and fragile. While they may not be wrong, I still marvel at how Allah keeps me strong with a strong will. While I feel far from the world, I know my Lord is with me.

To be a noble woman has always been my dream. But heck, nobility is not easy. I still keep wondering about what kind of legacy I'm gonna leave behind after I'm gone. And what benefits others enjoy through me long after I'm gone. Have I been doing all I really need to do to achieve my dream? Perhaps life's going so fast and it's hard to catch up. But the little I can, I'm trying.

In case you are wondering what I'm talking about and why I sound strange (if you think I do). Yea this is Khawlah. Always reflecting about the wholeness of life...

GIVE ME MORE, LORD!

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Helloooooooo! Assalamu alaikum dear people! One Beautiful Deer back again. So sorry that I don't blog much. My access to power supply here is a bit poor. I have been writing a lot in my notebook though. Here is one of my latest reflections that's been governing my life a lot now.

 I have observed that many of us fall victim of this (Yes I am also included big time). It's like a poison that eats up our system and corrupts us until our end. When it happens, we do not realize it. We just find ourselves doing it over and over again until it destroys us, or if we are fortunate, until we are awakened and snapped out of it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about "INGRATITUDE".

Yes, too many times we find ourselves asking " O Allah, give me this, give me that...". While I am not saying that asking Allah for our wants and needs is 'bad'...nope certainly it is worship. But many times we take it over the top asking for more that we forget about what we already have - the many things He has already given us. All we want is more and more. When we are deprived of our desire, we moan, whine, fall into depression and even despair. Why? Why does it have to be that way? Even Allah has said:

"....Verily Allah is full of Bounty to mankind, but most of them are ungrateful." [Surah Yunus 10:60]“

... But few of My slaves are grateful!” (Sabâ’ 43:13).

Which category do you honestly belong?

I was actually reflecting over my life and it suddenly occurred to me that if I make do with the little Allah has given me, and I succeed in making excellent use of them, then perhaps I'd prove myself worthy of receiving more from Allah. And that is true. While Allah gives us generously and bountifully without needing anything in return from us (Yes He is Al-Wahhaab), He also expects us to take proper account of all that He has given us, and use them to the fullest to our own advantage in this life and Hereafter. If you had a child or anyone who keeps demanding for this and that all the time, each time requesting for more without making good use of what he was previously given, would you be encouraged to give that child or person more when they ask? Certainly NOT! Your response as someone who truly loves them and want to discipline them to be the best would be, " What have you done with the previous ones I gave you? How do you prove yourself worthy of receiving this more?"

The same applies in our asking and receiving from Allah. When Allah gives us something, it certainly isn't for Pleasure sake only. He wants us to make the best use of it, in a way that pleases Him, until it is exhausted and gone. When you use excellently what you have been given, sending forth goodness for yourself in the Hereafter, He will bless you with more even before you ask. So I ask you,my dear reader, what have you done with the things that Allah has given you? Even if they seem small and insignificant at the moment. You keep asking for more, how do you prove yourself worthy of receiving that more, if you are being ungrateful for the ones you already have.

Allah is not 'dumb' (Subhanallah! - Far is He from every imperfection). He is All-Knowing, All-Wise! He can't just give us because we say "Give me!". He gives us things because He sees that it will benefit us, whether we recognize it or not. He gives according to His infinite knowledge and Wisdom. Not because we say "Give me!". He is not weak as to not be able to turn down our request. He is our Lord, our Cherisher, Sustainer, Guide, Guardian and lots more. He cares about us and He is interested in our discipline, even more than any good parent for their beloved child. This is why He deprives us of certain things that we wish for. The moment Allah gives us every single thing that we say " Give me" to, without checking us with trials, then it becomes more of a sign of punishment rather than bliss.

So always remember, make do with what you already have as much as possible, recognize them and be truly thankful for it all, keep using it with thankfulness in your heart (even if it seems not enough at the moment). Soon you will find that He will give you more because you need it and He entrusts it in you to make the very best use of it... to your benefit and not to your loss. So when you find yourself complaining about something, stop and say 'astaghfirullah!' and ask yourself what you have done to deserve this more. Ask yourself how well you have used the ones you He already gave you, in a way that's pleasing to Him. This is true gratitude.

Now let's look into what Allah Himself has said regarding this:

“...If you give thanks, I will give you more (of My Blessings).” (Q14:7)

"Why should Allah punish you if you have thanked (Him) and have believed in Him. And Allah is Ever All­Appreciative (of good), All­Knowing." (Surah An-Nisa 4:147)

The Salaf (Righteous Predecessors) have also said a lot regarding this:

It is reported that ʿAlī b. Abī Ṭālib – Allāh be pleased with him – said: "Blessings arrive with gratitude [to Allāh], and gratitude is connected with more [blessings], and the two are tied together: more blessings from Allāh will never stop unless gratitude from the servant stops." Ibn Abī Al-Dunyā, Al-Shukr article 18.

It is reported that Al-Hasan Al-Basrî – Allâh have mercy on him – said: 

"It has reached me that when Allâh the Mighty and Majestic blesses a people and gives them some good he asks them to be grateful. If they are grateful, He is all-able to give them more. But if they are ungrateful, He is all-able to turn His blessings into a punishment." Al-Bayhaqî, Shu’ab Al-Imân article 45

This was gotten from Riyaadus Saaliheen:

Anas bin Malik (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, “Allah is pleased with His slave who says: `Al-hamdu lillah (praise be to Allah)’ when he takes a morsel of food and drinks a draught of water.”

[Muslim].

Commentary: This Hadith has already been mentioned. “Aklah” means to take a meal at one time, whether in the morning, the evening or at any other time. Similarly “Sharba” means to drink water at any time. What the Hadith means is that to praise Allah on eating and drinking every time is a source of Allah’s Pleasure, no matter whether the quantity one consumes is small or large. 

******

Can you now see, my dear friends, why it is important to be thankful for everything Allah has given us, and use it in every best way possible. If we do this, He will bless us with more and increase His favours on us. So this is a reminder to myself first and foremost. If I want Allah to answer my request of more, I stop to ask myself "what have you done with the ones He already gave you?". This energises me to be more grateful and make the best use of all I have. It encourages me to see all I have as gifts the potentials of which I truly haven't tapped to discover its deepest benefits. It makes me see a beautiful gift in everything, shuts my mouth from complaining and fills my heart with deep contentment. Thats the miracle of gratitude. You should adopt it too :)

Well, actually it's not always easy. I mean we forget. It's so easy to complain about what we already have and keep asking for more while neglecting the available one. Yes, but we must try to remember that until we appreciate what we already have, and use it beneficially, we will never be deserving of more. So less complaints, and more appreciation for the slightest benefit enjoyed in it. If we wanna get more, then we have to use what we already have to achieve what we want, rather than neglecting it and praying for a magical replacement. So my dear reader who is in despair because there seem to be no good in what you have, be grateful and you will be blessed the more. Yes, that's Allah's Promise. Don't you believe it?

“...If you give thanks, I will give you more (of My Blessings).” (Q14:7)

WAITING

Too many times we make duas strongly and passionately, secretly expecting the response to come swiftly and magically. But the funniest part is after that moment when we make the dua, we wait a little bit, look around expecting something miraculous to happen regarding what we prayed for. Sadly we find 'NOTHING'. Nothing happens! And this only widens the hole in our heart. We then forget about the dua and move on with our lives, struggling as always. But then all of a sudden, out of the blue, when we least expect, something happens and pwoosh! Here is what we asked for in front of us. Our duas had been heard. This is it! Awwwww how beautiful Allah is! Allahu Akbar!

So most of the time, our request won't be granted to us immediately, right on the spot. Probably Allah wants us to wait a little bit more, or ask a little bit more, or strive towards it a little bit more, or take our minds completely off it while we focus on more important things in our lives. Whatever the reason for this delay may be, the waiting period is always the most beneficial for us. It is a period of utter grooming and preparation for what is to come which you aren't aware of. A period of testing your faith in the One you are asking from (HIM). A period of practising resilience, being back to your real faithful self after the pain and difficulties encountered.

It is that period when you pray and pray as hard as you can for your desires, so you keep waiting and waiting for an answer from Him. For acceptance. You wait for a long time, yet nothing. The tension is killing. Thoughts - crazy thoughts - racing through your little mind about why you are not getting any answer, any acceptance. It then comes to a time when your mind feels blank, hope feels far and your body so weak in utter Surrender that perhaps it would not be. Perhaps this is your fate and it has been sealed. Perhaps you can never get acceptance to that dua that you made. In that moment, you fall into despair of Allah's mercy. Remember, none despairs in the mercy of Allah except those who disbelieve.

It's been taught to us time and time again that this is a test, and Allah can grant our wish in a blink of an eye or less. Yet He chooses not to. Because He wants to test our faith, our resilience, our full trust in Him. Of course we have read and heard this over again that it's become cliché in our ears. But you must remember that nothing can free your heart other than the knowledge that:
- All things belong to Allah, we own nothing.
- It's all the delights of this world.
- He wants us to take everything away from our hearts and face only Him.
- He wants us to achieve something better in our lives before the pleasure of what we are asking for.
- He wants us to learn how to trust Him.
And so much more.. 

Falling Into Place...
Sometimes when it seems like things are falling apart and nothing seems right or makes sense anymore. The little you have left is crumbling all over. In reality, they may actually be falling into place. Perhaps there were a lot of things wrong with something, and He decides to crumble it all down. So that He can rebuild it for us again and it becomes something way better than what we lost. No wonder why it's amazing how what you thought was lost actually comes back to you, even in a much better way/state. Allah is the One Who will never let us down. And He needs nothing from us. Believe in Him and trust Him.

It's Painful!
Yes waiting is painful. Having patience is painful. Keeping faith is painful. But trust that whatever you are going through presently is actually what you NEED. Whereever you are at is exactly where you need to be. Just as the struggles of a butterfly to emerge from its cocoon on its own is exactly what it needs to aid its flight, our struggles, prayers and pains are exactly what we need to be strengthened  before Allah grants our wishes. Perhaps we'd need this strength once our request has been granted. This waiting  doesn't mean He hates us or has abandoned us, it's a sign of His deep love for us. He loves us enough to toughen us and strengthen our resistance to certain things in life, and our resilience to trust in Him and feel okay in spite of everything. Yes waiting hurts but perhaps having what you are praying for right now would hurt worse. He has your life all planned out. While it may not be so comfortable or delightful, this is exactly what you need at this point of your life. Because you have a bigger destiny than just the vain pleasures of this world. He only wants a happy Ending for you. So trust Him. He has heard your cry. And He will never let you return your raised hands to yourself without answering you.

This waiting will be worth it!
One thing I have always observed about waiting is that what you are asking for and expecting is actually only getting better. It's like Allah is holding it back from you in order to perfect it for you and when your mind is off it, He gives it to you pwooah! It's like a surprise package heheh. While holding on and being patient in not giving up is difficult, know deep down in your heart, that this waiting would be worth it. Let this be enough to make you smile. Yes it's scary! Damn frightening! Because a lot of thoughts keep coming to your mind especially from the accursed Shaitan and you try so hard to shut them off. Once again, just assure yourself and believe confidently that this waiting will be worth it. Because you believe in Allah, and you truly and sincerely know Him. So no silly waswas of Shaitan will break you down. Believe me, this waiting will be worth it. So don't be upset or fall into despair when you pray to Allah and nothing happens instantaneously. It was never meant to be magic. That's why it's called du'a (invocation). And He will answer you. If you believe in Allah, wallahi in the end, you will smile...

"And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad SAW) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright." (Surah AlBaqarah 2:186)

"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!" (AlBaqara 2:214)

MY LIFE, MY DESTINY

For a long time now, I've been thinking...pondering over this thing called "Purpose". It seems to be all I think about. It stays in my head all day long. It's the same thing I keep thinking about. I've been thinking a lot about my life just like virtually every other. Ruminating what I was created to be, what I am meant to do, what lies ahead for me, what great thing I'm gonna live my life upon and die upon, what battle I will fight until my last breath, how I'm gonna benefit others tremendously from the gifts that Allah has bestowed on me. My life. My destiny. My fate. My legacy. My footprints. My Ending. My return to Allah. I keep thinking about it all.

There are so many amazing and great people who have lived and gone. They died, but left undying legacies behind. Even long after their death, they are still remembered for the good (righteous) works they have done, and the countless lives they have touched. In my today, I still see them scattered about doing the same thing. Beautiful people living quality lives of Truth, doing great & noble things with their lives. Touching hearts, inspiring souls, towards Allah, towards fulfillment, towards betterment. They live quality lives. And make beautiful impacts in lives. Only for Allah. And they are being deeply appreciated by those who encounter them. I see them. I love them. I wanna live such quality life too. This leads me to constantly ask myself:

- What legacy do I wanna leave behind after my death?
- Would I have maximized all the gifts Allah has bestowed on me, using them in several ways that pleases Him?
- What would I be remembered for?
- How many souls would be making heartfelt duas for me long after I am gone?
- What difference do I wanna make in the lives of those who encounter me?
- How will my Ending be?

So many questions prickling my little mind. The task seems enormous.
There seems to be so much in my head that I wanna do/achieve, yet I don't even know how to make it into reality. It's like I'm stuck in my complacency, stuck in ignominy, yet don't know how to come out. My life - I know I was created for something noble. I know I am gifted and very blessed. I know the world needs certain things I'm proficient at. I know I could make an impact in any little way I can. But I'm stuck. 

I know that the purpose of creation is none other than to worship Allah. Hence that is the sole purpose of my existence. Our existence. And I've been trying my best in that regard. But then, we are all gifted, aren't we? So am I. I know there is a great destiny ahead of me. I know there is a whole lot I could achieve, a whole lot I could do, a whole lot I could be. Yes but I'm stuck. And I dunno how to come out. They say I am brilliant. She said I will shine. But I dunno how to rise. Like a part of me is stuck in oblivion and I fear I may forever be like that till I die. Yet I know that I have to rise. I have to share my blessings. I have to reach out and come out. I have to do something. Anything. Anything to reveal my essence, my core. To lead me to that great destiny.

And what destiny am I talking about? Fame? Fortune? Glory of the dunya? I think nothing about all of that. I feel something tremendous deep within me. A cry waiting to be heard. A strength waiting to be felt. A story waiting to be told. A strong voice waiting to speak. It's like a beautiful giant waiting to unleash. I cannot explain it. It's deep within me. This destiny - it's not about the fame, name or fortune...worldly glories. It's about my essence - what I am meant to be. Fulfiling the purpose for the blessings I've been given. Knowing deep within me that I am doing/living what I was created for. I am living for Allah and making the best use of all He has bestowed on me. Knowing that when it's time to return to Him, all I'd feel is PEACE. Because I lived that life. I fulfilled my mission, my destiny. I did noble things with my life. I lived for Him and only Him in every way. But right now, I know I have not maximized my deepest potentials. I know there is a lot to be done. I calculate all in my head. But I'm lost. I dunno how to come out. It's serious hardwork.

I've lived almost all my life being unknown. Like invisible. And I've been far away from the world. Yet this isn't about anyone knowing me, is it? It's about me living the very core truth about why I was made.

I keep having this fear within me. What if death comes for me before I even get the chance to do anything? Scary! I know I keep wasting time. But little steps everyday. Sincerely I dont know what is to come tomorrow. Of course no one knows. Yet my life, it's for Allah. Only Allah. That's how the life of a Muslim should be. Guess I should keep taking my little steps everyday, knowing I did something better than yesterday. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. But I pray to return to my Lord with deep tranquility in my heart and a peaceful smile on my face. That's my goal. So remembering this, I'll do whatever I can. It's not gonna happen overnight. Slowly. Slowly. I will reach my dream. I pray He never take my soul before then.

ABOUT THIS BLOG

For a while now, I have been asking myself about this blog and what I intend to achieve with it. Well, as the name (One Beautiful Deer) implies, I am an individualistic and simple-going person. It's not a big thing or something extraordinary. It is a personal thing - a personal blog. Directed to whoever cares to know me, my thinking, my deepest ambitions, my life. To whoever is similar to me in personality and struggles and experiences and goals, perhaps you'll connect with my writings.

So why deer?
It's deer because it's the meaning of my name. Khawlah means "female deer". I remember back in my teenage days, I used to hate my name lool. Because I just couldn't find its meaning. It's a very rare name among female Muslims and I just couldn't get it. Even my parents dont know the meaning or the correct pronounciation especially back then. They named me only after my grandma. People laughed at me for my name and teased me calling it an old woman's name. It wasn't pronounced or spelt correctly as this because it was a very rare name and not many people knew about it. Annoying when my name was mis-pronounced and worst of all was when I couldn't find a meaning for it. But when I grew much older, I googled the meaning of khawlah and found in several places that it means " female deer”. 'Hmm how strange!' I thought. I wondered how a human could bear the name of an animal. Kinda absurd right? Yea I see it on people's faces whenever I tell them the meaning now.

Anyways, I began to wonder what's so special about deers. I mean it has to be really special before a human being could be named after a deer. And believe me, the moment I learnt about deers, I fell in love with my name. I fell in love with deers. So the more information i discovered about them, the more similarities I found between myself and them. Deers are really beautiful creatures. But their beauty is not one so flashy and colorful like other attractive animals, yet you will feel their beauty oozing from deep within. I have heard a lot of people gushing so hard about the amazing beauty of deers: their graceful and beautiful countenance, their ravenous drive for peace, purpose and spirituality, their sharp senses to notice, hear and observe things, their small heads and thin legs heehe, their fast and swift nature, their inquisitiveness, their friendliness, their living so far away in the thick of the forest rather than among the common animals, their love and quest for adventure, their bravery, their rarity etc. So many attributes so beautiful that I could connect with. I once read a quote that says: "In a race between lion and deer, many times the deer wins, because lion runs for food and deer for life. Purpose is more important than need". Although I do not know the truthfulness of this, but it only showed me more about the amazingness of deers. All of these made me realize that I have such a beautiful name.

Then reading about the stories of the Sahabiyyats (female companions) who bore that name: Khawlah bint Al-Azwar (first female Muslim warrior or Knight), Khawlah bint Ta'alabah (the one whom Allah 'listened' to and went in the Qur'an), Khawlah bint Hakeem, etc. They were all great women in the Islamic history. They were brave and strong, yet so feminine. They were Khawlah heehe. And for that, I feel extremely honored to bear the name" Khawlah". So I know I am beautiful. And I wanna be truly deeply beautiful. And I love 'beautiful'. Hence, ONE BEAUTIFUL DEER!!!!!!!!!! 

So what's the purpose of "One Beautiful Deer"?
Am I trying to make a name for myself too? Or be the one on the mission to 'inspire' others all the time, like 'operation-save-the-world'? Or am I just trying to show off my writing skills and trying to be like those amazing inspiring Muslimah writers? Or I'm trying to let out my own voice too because everybody seems to wanna talk about themselves and say something all the time???? Well, my simple answer to all these is a BIG NO!

I am just a simple and ordinary individual. Very introverted! I most probably will never tell you anything about myself unless you ask and I see a genuine interest in you to know. Only then do I open up. It's not because I like to be secretive, but rather I don't feel very comfortable talking about myself. Imagine talking it all to someone who doesn't really care to know anyway. And I do more of listening in my conversations. But if there is anyone who really wanna know, they would ask. Like sincerely ask loool. That's just me! So I've been like this all my life.

I have thoughts, dreams just like everyone else. Deep, strong, intense at times, that only until I get a pen and a blank sheet before I can be able to sort it all out. Through writing (basically journalling), I am able to sort out my emotions, ask myself deep questions, tackle my problems and be able to forge ahead with my life. With writing, I discover myself the more and reflect on many issues and then I get my PEACE. Peace and so much more, is what I get from writing.

 So with One Beautiful Deer, I hope to share my deepest human thoughts and reflections that keep me going through life. As you can already imply by the name, it is a very personal blog revealing my personal expression. Letting you know what's in the deepest core of ME because I truly barely talk about myself. This blog is an avenue for me to connect with my true self, be real, be imperfect, be human, feel, heal and grow. Perhaps there may be someone out there just like me, who may find some little inspiration or light to forge ahead in their life. Who knows?

Also, and most importantly, I'd love to meet my Lord on Judgement Day with good deeds that I wouldn't think I did, and my Lord saying that they were the products of the good words I spoke to people and how I energised them to be better. Of course this is only a dream right now. But I pray it comes true.

I am a passionate follower of the Sunnah, striving to adhere to the manhaj of the salaf to the best of my little ability. I do NOT intend to raise my voice above the scholars. Nor do I encourage people to stop seeking Deeni knowledge due to being carried away by inspirational writings. We are for one another. Yea we are all weak and seriously struggling with something. So there is nothing bad in being a little light for another, right??????

Okayyyyy! That's all about Beautiful Deer for now!!! More to come in shaa Allah. May Allah save us from the evils of our tongues and thoughts. Allahu musta'aan! And may He be pleased with us. Ameen!

 

STRIVING FOR ...

Sometimes, you wanna do something. You really wanna do it. But suddenly the zeal just saps away and you just feel like throwing it all aside. Saying to yourself that this was probably not gonna work out anyway. Woah! You see others out there doing something similar but in an awesomely excellent way and you're like "No way, I could never be as good as this!". I ask you: " Really? "

"On that Day man will be informed of what he sent forward (of his evil or good deeds), and what he left behind (of his good or evil traditions)." (Surah AlQiyama 75:13)

"Every person is a pledge for what he has earned" (Surah Al-Muddaththir 74:38)

"And that man shall have nothing but what he strives for-" ( Surah An-Najm, 53: 39)

Death awakens us from our slumber and jerks us back into reality. The End - my End - is something I never stop thinking about. Once our soul is ripped out and we are gone, nothing else is going to matter except our deeds - what we strived for. The time when we would reap the fruits of what we were truly labouring for. So I wonder to myself: "WHAT HAVE I BEEN STRIVING FOR?"

SOUL-SEARCHING

I am nothing but a soul
Seeking the innermost peace
Despite the passing of ages,
My true self remains the same
Small, quiet, inhibitive
Yet fierce and forceful
Like a molten magma about to explode
Outwardly I am weak and ordinary
Inwardly I feel like a bird
Yearning for beyond the skies
Striving for peace, beauty, light, purity, vast space
Pleasure of the One Who made me
Having a pure soul is not an easy task
I hope to be one of them.

As for the passings of this world,
How do I make the best of my stay here?
Life is short
What if my departure is near?
What have I sent forth?
What have I built?
What impact have I made?
What lives have I touched?
What legacy am I leaving behind?
What wealth have I truly?
How does my soul look like?
Is it beautiful or ugh....?
Time keeps moving?
What am I doing?

Lone stranger walking her Journey
More concerned about the quality of her soul
Than the quality of the material things she's got
Constantly asking: "Are You pleased with me Lord?"
Striving to be among the best,
Her inherent weaknesses keep overcoming her
Depressed she feels
She forgets that it's not about perfection
But progress
She believes herself to be weak
While being strong and even fierce
Is what the heroes with her name have been

She keeps pondering over life as a Journey
Loving everything that speaks of beauty, light, purity,
Vastness of space, and a deep inner peace
She wonders what she is in Allah's Sight
She wonders how much she has achieved with her life
She doesn't live the big life
She lives the quiet, ordinary, seclusive life
She wonders if she has lived her life to the fullest
In truly serving her Lord, Allah
Deep inside she feels there is more to be done
Even though cannot figure out what or how
Does it have to be so loud that her praises is sung?
No! No loudness! Just quietness.
Leave her little impacts in the world quietly
She hopes she is known and loved by all in the heavens.

WHO AM I?----The Search For Self

"Who am I?" - a question that virtually everyone asks themselves on regular basis. Sometimes the constant changes of events that happen in our lives make us forget ourselves after we had tried to define who we are. Things happen so fast and you suddenly can't find or feel yourself anymore. Life feels monotonous and there is no zeal to do anything.These times, you find yourself trapped and alone, living only like a walking corpse. But later on something happens and you try to reflect deeply, reconnecting with your number one source of strength and you begin to remember your core identity and purpose. Then suddenly you feel alive again, and life feels meaningful again. But until you realize your purpose and find the strength to live it, life will always be meaningless and you will become one of the zombies or robots in life. Aimless!

I constantly wonder about who I am and what my purpose is. Of course generally we are all created to serve Allah, but through what will I serve Him? I realize of course, it is through nothing but what He has given to me. I look at the big world around me. I see people like me doing extraordinary things everyday with their lives. Making great impacts in the lives of others, making it big. Then I look into my own self and feel nothing but smallness and inadequacies. Why does it always seem like everyone else is better that me?


Comparing myself and my life with others is something I have always done way back since I ever knew my name, but of course everyone knows that this is the number one key to failure and depression. It hinders growth and self confidence. Naturally I am someone who has great insights towards the beauty in others. I so easily spot the good and amazing traits in people that I just naturally love them for it. But simultaneously, in the course of doing that with others, I find myself belittling myself and seeing more reasons why I am lesser than them. So the more I appreciate the beauty in others, the more I condemn my own self and become negative and critical of myself. So its like me feeling inadequate and seeing myself worth less/nothing of anyone's while, simply because I am not like them or I haven't achieved as much as them. Of course, we all know that this will only bring me an unhappy life. I am sure there are so many out there like me. So I am writing to us all as we all agree that this is the leading factor contributing to depression and lesser/no productivity in life.

Since it is a fact that we can only serve Allah through what he has given us or bestowed on us through this journey of life, then how can we succeed if we constantly compare ourselves with others? Allah gave them what they have as they have their own journey to travel, just as He has given you what you have necessary for your own journey too. The events happening in our lives are different, so we are all gifted differently. So why would you judge your self worth based on other people's lives or gifts?

Also, everyone being gifted differently implies that we will all give account of how we used our gifts/blessings. Did you use yours in a way that pleases Him or not? Did you recognise and accept these gifts or you denied and rejected? Do you not know that there is a purpose for what He has given you just as there is purpose for what He gave others? So why waste your precious gifts/blessings in the process of gazing at others'? The best way to find happiness and peace is to look within yourself and tap into your deepest core to discover the treasures in you, hidden and apparent. Everything you've got even if it seems not much is SOMETHING. And they are exactly what you need at this point of your journey. So why not make the best use of your own gifts? Because in the ultimate end, you will account for how you spent all that's been bestowed on you. Will you by then be happy to have wasted it all while you thought they were worthless because you were busy long-throating for others'? Will that really buy you eternal success? Of course not!

So basically, look into your own self, and recognise all you have been blessed with. This is how you will be able to figure out who you really are and the many things that uniquely differentiate you from others. You'll know that others may be as amazing as they are, but it doesn't mean you aren't special too. It doesn't mean you have no purpose too. In fact you'll realize even more that this life really isn't a competition. You have no interest in competing with others or trying to be better than them. You are only interested in living your truest purpose and being better everyday in attaining it. So your life is centred around purpose and fulfilment, truthfulness in being your real self, rather than in trying to compete, impress or brag about piled up glittering riches to people. ITS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR JOURNEY! Its about your self actualization! Be you!


I wrote down a short reflection months ago, and it truly helps me and reminds me how its such a waste of time comparing myself with others. And it reminds me of the refreshing feeling I get whenever I stop focusing on others and their attractive lives, and instead focus on my own self, my journey, my betterment, my peace, my fulfilment, my potentials. It really is refreshing, wallahi!

When you stop following the shadows of others, you'll be able to breathe in the freshness of your own life again, walk your own path, discover your own happiness, and free yourself to soar into the highest horizons. Be you!

So this brings me back to the question- "who am I?". Only when we stop following other people's shadows will we truly be able to answer this question of who we really are. This I try to always remember.